My adorable pup, Vinny, does this cute little thing when I come home or anyone comes over- he goes and grabs one of his favorite toys (usually a stuffed quail or hedgehog) and brings it over and shakes it in his mouth to show his manliness. I always find it so adorable that he brings the toy over and wants to impress me with how strong he is and how he can “hunt” for stuffed animals and bones. Its so cute and I love him.

I find this interesting because the evil ex husband does the same thing- except I don’t think he’s adorable and I don’t love him. Its more annoying than anything- like an ugly dog that keeps trying to hump your leg.

See, the ex (at 35.5 years old) has completed law school. yay. Whatever. He sent me a text that he passed the bar. Woohoo. Like I care. And last friday proceeded to send me a picture of his certificate from his swearing in. Like Vinny with his stuffed animal. I found it more humorous and pathetic than anything as he’s the last person I think of when something amazing happens in my life. I chose to ignore his attempt for Vinny-like attention and ignored it.

Today, I got this email: “I’m on the website now…” And then listed the link for my convenience so that now I can view an obviously airbrushed small photo of himself on his firm’s website. I then informed him that I received a letter in the mail that he was late with his car. I know what he makes. How on earth does one man go through that much money?

Ok, so what? Does he want cookies (Vinny treats) every time he does something good? That he’s now on a firm website with kids I went to college with? Dude, you’re old. Get over yourself. I’m over you. And more pissed off that you waste precious seconds of my day as I see an email from him and think it might be something about him refinancing the house to get me off the mortgage or something else of worth. Instead its something stupid about him. Him bringing over a stuffed animal to show me how manly he is. He’s the last thing I think of when I think of manly. Real men don’t do the stuff he did to me.

(What’s even more funny is that when I responded to his email asking, “Who takes the pictures?” He was too stupid to realize that I was totally mocking him and really saying, “How much did they have to pay to airbrush you?” Dumbass.)

So here is my message to ex douchebag husband- STOP SENDING ME CRAP ABOUT YOURSELF. You’re scum. And I can honestly say you possess a horrible heart. And I feel more bad than anything for you. Good luck with your airbrushed photo. And your mental issues. And drinking issues. And lack of, well. You get the idea. At least my friends and I get a good chuckle out of the responses I could send back, but don’t because you’re like a little dog. Except I like dogs better.

Here’s an effing cookie.

(notice- it has nuts. because he’s freakin’ nuts.)